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GOOGLE ANNOUNCES AUTONOMOUS QUADCOPTER COMMUTER PROGRAM TO SHUTTLE TECH WORKERS, SPY ON INNOCENTS

haltingproblem:

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PHOTO CREDIT: Andrew Mournian

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In the wake of intensifying gentrification protests in San Francisco, Google is considering alternative means of transporting its employees from around the Bay Area to their offices in Mountain View. Every day, private buses from a menagerie of technology companies stop at public bus stops in San Francisco to pick up high-tech workers, much to the chagrin of locals. Protestors have decried such buses as emblematic growing wealth inequality as well-off tech workers move into the city, raising rental prices and provoking cries of gentrification in historically working class neighbourhoods. Facebook has already begun trials of an employee ferry system in order to avoid increasingly common obstacles like traffic and protestors.

Google, with the aid of its recently built-up robotics division, has announced a program to fly its employees to work with giant autonomous quadcopters. According to a Google representative , the quadcopters would seat approximately 50 people. The quadrotors would land in public parking lots in San Francisco to load up employees, and then fly them approximately 40 miles to the roof of the Computer History Museum in Mountain View. Google-chartered buses will then ferry the employees from the museum to the Googleplex, Google’s global headquarters.

Already, some San Francisco residents are irate. John Hernandez, a local community organizer, is one of them. “These techies are just overentitled whiners,” said Mr. Hernandez. “What is a quadrotor anyway? Back when I had to commute to South Bay to work, the company would organize death marches to get their employees from San Francisco to their offices. It was unintrusive, environmentally friendly, and it would take 1 day to get there and back. We would walk uphill both ways in the blazing heat, and 10% of the employees would die from heat exhaustion. That’s the way to do it. And look at me, I turned out just fine!”

Google spokesperson Achal Viswanathan disagreed. “If anything, our quadrotor commuting program is a boon to San Francisco residents. Instead of the conspicuous, noisy, and gas-guzzling white buses that other tech companies are using, our program will soothe San Franciscans with the peaceful thumping of giant quadrotor propeller blades over their houses.”

The quadrotors will be stocked with free snacks and wifi so that Google engineers will be able to work and stay refreshed as they buzz 20 to 30 feet over the rooftops of houses in the Peninsula. Plans are also being drawn up to equip the quadrotors with sensor suites to gather data during their daily flights. “Camera and radar readings of terrain and houses will help us improve the quality of Google Maps. Infrared sensors and facial recognition software will allow us to track the location of individuals on the ground so we may serve them better location-specific information via their smartphones. Our quadrotors will also provide free and public broadband access for the areas they overfly and store all wireless information that their sensors collect. This will allow us to collect user information such as emails, usernames, and passwords so that we may provide our users even better search results,” said Mr. Viswanathan. “All in the name of user experience, of course.”

Other tech companies have also noticed. Twitter, for example, is in talks to begin a similar program to shorten its employees’ commutes. The company is reportedly planning to equip its San Francisco-based employees with blue Segways that would live-tweet the overheard conversations of pedestrians as riders commute to work.

Mr. Viswanathan declared that Google and other tech companies understand the concerns of common people. “We just have our heads up in the clouds changing the world.”

snh-snh-snh:

I keep thinking oh man, I’m so immature. How am I allowed to be an adult.

Then I spend time with teenagers.

And it’s like, wow, okay, yeah. I am an adult. I am so adult. Look at me adulting all over the place.

duct-tape-and-safety-pins-inside:

A girl I’m friends with on Facebook posted this status and I love it so much.

marchingthehobbitstoisengard:

thatkidnamedkylon:

intertnet:

my boyfriend sent me this at 4 in the morning 

i just conducted this whole thing

OKay. so I’m going to assume this the original one. I heard and saw a post on this a while back but I was like, “ehh. sex sells. why..” But NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME IT WAS DVORAK! LIKE SON OF FUCKING PENGUIN! 

DVORAK! IS MY JAM! ESPECIALLY THE MUTHERHECKING NEW WORLD SYMPHONY!!!

leafsfeelings:

choptail:

*SLAMS REBLOG BUTTON*

HIT REBLOG SO GODDAMN FAST

pr1nceshawn:

Your Love Life, As Described by Videogames by Coleman Engle.

zohbugg:

dr-ift:

bl-ossomed:

niick4:

this is the coolest thing ive seen on this website

holy

Wait what how

what the fuck you mean how? a goddamn computer, that’s how

fuckin think this is some real bullshit like you’re confused as to how someone can hold water and a tiny ass ship are u fuckin’ kidding me

"how"

fuck u

rainbowbarnacle:

hope-for-snow:

At one time, one of Toothless’s animator stuck a ball of duct-tape on his own cat’s tail for reference which ended up perfect for this shot. (actual footage of his cat he used)

AWWWWWW

THE LOGARITHMIC FUNCTION IS FUCKING WRONG AND THAT IS -SINX

PEASANTS

nevesnevele:

hullodearie:

Fake Pockets: A How To

pretty much

itstonybetch:

image

melkorwashere:

legolasy:

ok imagine an au where sauron is a grumpy house cat 

And as I remember Tevildo the Prince of the Cats,who lived in funny cat castle and bringed meat to Melkor’s table, was a prototype of Sauron >:3 so it’s not even an au xDD 

melkorwashere:

Sketch of Valar during Valian Years ( before the Lamps)

Namo,Yavanna,Aule,Melkor,Manwe,Varda,Ulmo and Orome

No Irmo and Nienna because they look a lot like Namo, and no Nessa because she looks a lot like Orome. No other girls,because I don’t care for them actually. And no Tulkas - because I can’t imagine his appearance before the Years of the Lamps. 

It was a bad idea to draw Aule and Melkor together,because generally they made from one material,both of them are giant rocks. So Melkor is a rock + ice + fire, and Aule is rock + lead,gold,manganese and other kinds of ore. 

doodlebuggy:

It’s to distract the enemy for combat advantage.

nerdismyhobby:

so-many-frequencies:

loweryi:

crowbegottenbatman:

loweryi:

crowbegottenbatman:

the word “sabotage” is p much short for “fucking shit up with a wooden shoe”

what

image

fucking shit up with a wooden shoe

oh my god

well wooden shoe look at that

I’M FUCKING CRYING AT THAT PUN BE MY FRIEND PLEASE